the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
