I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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