I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
