You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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