you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
