I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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