Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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