im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
