Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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