we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
