i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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