I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize