Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My vagina is very pro this idea
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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