Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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