Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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