Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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