You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
as a side note pls kill me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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