hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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