Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
