I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
