She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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