there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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