bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
