i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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