Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
