Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sorry about my life...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
