I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
