Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
