My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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