Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
