if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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