Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
