The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
