just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
