So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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