i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize