my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
