the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
