I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
