we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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