my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
