Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
