Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
