Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
