Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
