Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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