ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
