no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
