Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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