Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hippo gnu deer
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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