I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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