she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
