she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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