apparently the secret to your success is patron
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
