Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
