Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
