dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
These tits shall not be calmed
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