im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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